I’ve heard depression described as anger turned inward. I know that when I feel it coming on it’s preceded by a lot of frustration. It’s not frustration that triggers it. It’s not that simple. It’s just that everything becomes frustrating. Then, as frustrations stack up on on top of other frustrations, it gets to be too much. You wonder why you even get out of bed. It’s just going to be the same damned thing as yesterday and the day before. Nothing is ever going to change no matter what I do.
Today is one of those days.
I blame movie montages.
I got a credit card bill the other day for the first time since I didn’t know where my next paycheck was coming from. Objectively it’s fine. This was expected. It’s been known and accepted that the household income was going to take a hit the first few months I did this thing. I’m a smart guy. I can write. I can explain things. I don’t have to make a ton of money to be happy. I like solving interesting problems, especially if they involve people trying to make sense of something. So it’s OK. People seem to understand what I say when I explain things. My talent? I can put myself in the place of someone who has no idea what you’re trying to tell them. And I can make you laugh so you don’t even notice you learned something when you remember the punchline. Gotta love a good brain fart joke.
The frustrating thing is that this is going to take time. “What are you doing now?” I’m not sure how to answer that. I’m pretty sure I don’t ever want to have a pat answer. I used to have this piece-of-crap-pickup-truck. People would ask me what model year it was. “Which part do you want to know about?” It was the only answer I could give. I’d like to be able to answer the what-are-you-doing question the same way. “Well, my ambition is an air considioning compressor from a 1972 Camaro.” Makes sense to me.
In movies they compress all this crap to a montage. In one scene I decide to make a change in my life. Montage! Then everything is cool. Roll credits.
It’s all going to work out. I know that. I’m not sure I believe that, but when I’m in that place where I am today I don’t believe much of anything. It’s a black dog day. There’s a reason I’m a cat person.